THE NEIGHBOR

Dear Neighbor,

Congratulations.

Of all the people currently living within your ZIP code, someone selected YOU to receive a professionally handwritten anonymous asshole letter.

I don’t know whether it’s the parking.

The barking dog.

The leaf blower at 7:04 a.m.

Or the fact that you apparently believe property lines are merely suggestions.

Frankly, I don’t need to know.

Someone paid $20.

I have fulfilled my contractual obligation.

Please consider being approximately 15% less annoying.

The Neighborhood Thanks You.

THE COWORKER

Dear Kevin,

This letter is anonymous because apparently “professionalism” is important.

You know that thing you do?

Yes.

That.

Stop it.

Nobody needs another meeting about the meeting. Nobody believes “per my last email” isn’t hostile. And when someone says, “I’ll let you get back to it, that’s not an invitation to tell another 17-minute story.

I have never met you, Kevin.

Someone paid me twenty dollars to tell you this.

Process that however you need to.

Professionally yours,

A Completely Uninvolved Third Party

THE GENERIC ASSHOLE

Dear Asshole,

Nobody asked me to write this letter.

Okay, technically someone paid me $20 to write this letter.

But that’s not important.

Whats important is that somewhere out there, a person knows you well enough that they willingly exchanged actual American currency for the privilege of having a stranger inform you that you’re an asshole.

That’s incredible.

Most people just get talked about behind their backs.

You got correspondence.

Anyway, I don’t know what you did.

But apparently you know what you did.

Warmest regards,

Someone Who Has Never Met You

And Yet Somehow Knows

RED FLAGS

Dear Asshole,

I have been retained to inform you that someone from your past still occasionally thinks about you.

Unfortunately, it’s mostly when they’re explaining red flags to other people.

Still counts.

Take care,

A Complete Stranger Who Now Knows More About You Than Expected

FAMILY / THANKSGIVING

Dear Asshole,

Family is a gift.

Sometimes the gift doesn’t come with a receipt.

Apparently you’re that gift.

Someone who is legally or biologically required to continue seeing you at holidays paid me $20 to send this.

I’m not taking sides.

I just want you to appreciate how spectacularly passive-aggressive that is.

See you at Thanksgiving.

Well, I won’t.

But someone will.

Good luck.

YOUR FOLLOWERS

Dear Asshole,

We saw it.

We saw breakfast.

We saw the gym.

We saw the inspirational quote.

We saw the sunset.

We saw the vague post about “knowing who your real friends are.”

We even saw the follow-up saying you “don’t want to talk about it.

You’ve provided enough updates.

You may now simply experience something.

Privately.

Sincerely,

Your Followers

ONE-UPPER / SECOND PLACE

Dear Asshole,

Congratulations.

Your vacation was better.

Your childhood was harder.

Your car was faster.

Your boss was crazier.

Your surgery was worse.

Your story was funnier.

And somehow you’ve already been to whatever restaurant someone else just discovered.

You win.

Nobody knew we were competing.

But you won.

Can everyone else talk now?

Sincerely,

Second Place

PEOPLE WITH EARDRUMS

Dear Asshole,

Good news.

Everyone can hear you.

The restaurant can hear you.

The people three tables away can hear you.

Someone in the parking lot may currently know what happened to Linda in Accounting.

You do not need to project.

There is no balcony.

Please reduce your volume approximately 40%.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Sincerely,

People With Eardrums

DATING EXIT SURVEY

Dear Asshole,

I’ve been asked to provide some feedback regarding your recent performance in the dating community.

Apparently, things are not going well.

Talking exclusively about yourself has been identified as an area for improvement.

So has disappearing for four days and then texting “you up?”

The committee was particularly concerned about that one.

Please understand this letter is not a rejection.

That already happened.

This is simply the exit survey.

Best wishes in your future endeavors,

Management

EAU DE ASSHOLE

Dear Asshole,

Before we begin:

Yes.

The smell is intentional.

Someone paid $20 to have me write you this letter.

Then, at checkout, they were presented with the opportunity to spend an additional $5 to make it smell like ass.

They didn’t hesitate.

I wasnt there, obviously.

But emotionally?

I don’t think they hesitated.

Twenty-five dollars.

That’s how strongly someone feels about you.

Sit with that.

Preferably near an open window.

Sincerely,

Customer Service

FIVE MINUTES AWAY

Dear Asshole,

If you’re reading this at 3:17, I assume someone told you to read it at 3:00.

We’ve noticed that whenever you say,

“I’m five minutes away,”

you’re apparently measuring distance using a completely different system than the rest of humanity.

Please stop telling people you’re “almost there” while you’re still choosing an outfit.

Nobody believes you anymore.

Sincerely,

Someone Who Arrived 25 Minutes Ago

SUBDIVISION GOVERNOR

Dear Asshole,

This letter is to notify you of a serious neighborhood violation.

Apparently you’ve mistaken “living in a subdivision” for “being appointed governor of it.”

Nobody elected you.

Please stop inspecting everyone’s grass like you’re conducting agricultural research for the federal government.

Your neighbor’s trash cans will survive being visible until 7:04 p.m.

Sincerely,

People Who Also Pay to Live Here

NEIGHBORHOOD COURTESY

Dear Asshole,

This is a courtesy notice regarding your ongoing commitment to making the neighborhood slightly worse.

I don’t know whether this is about your parking, your dog, your music, your trash cans, your lawn, or whatever the hell you’re doing with that leaf blower.

Nobody gave me the full file.

They just gave me $20.

Whatever you’re currently doing that made you immediately think,

“Oh shit. Is this about _____?”

Yes.

It’s probably that.

Knock it off.

Warmest regards,

The Neighborhood

FAKE HR

Dear Asshole,

Following extensive feedback from absolutely nobody willing to say this to your face, we’ve identified several opportunities for improvement.

Please stop:

Replying All.

Scheduling meetings that should have been emails.

Saying “circle back.”

Heating fish in the break room.

And hovering beside someone’s desk while they’re clearly trying to work.

Your progress will be monitored by everyone around you.

They already have concerns.

Regards,

Human Resources*

*Not your actual Human Resources department. Please don’t call them.